A Reunion to Hopefully Never Remember
by BossaNovaBaby24
Summary: Ruth gets an invitation through the post for a reunion at her school. With Section D insistent on being back-up, can Ruth have a normal evening without any embarrassment? Of course not. s9 team, humour with some H/R  of course
1. Why does Beth open Ruth's mail?

**AN**

**Howdy there people! :) I was going to leave this story until after I had completed the Island fic, but have been persuaded otherwise by my partner in crack!fic crime, so here is a new story that I will be writing on the go along with the Island one! My chief aim is to make you laugh, snigger, chortle or even just smile! Please let me know if I have managed...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own characters, settings etc. they belong to Kudos, Monastic, BBC. No copyright infringement intended!**

Ruth wandered down the stairs with unease, desperate to avoid another argment with her flatmate Beth. Just last night they had engaged in the most heated argument to date;

_"Beth, when you have finished the milk can you put the empty carton in the bin please?"_

_"I thought it was you that used the last of the milk."_

_"No, it was you. You just made a milkshake."_

_"Huh, fair point. Okay Ruth."_

Ruth shuddered as she remembered Beth's raised voice as she practically shouted her replies to Ruth (of course, it may have been due to the fact that the TV was up loud so Ruth could hear her documentary from the kitchen).

This morning, she was determined to patch things up with Beth. They would go for a coffee perhaps, visit a museum, have a long walk where they discuss the current tensions in the house. Eventually, they would move past it and go back to being-

"Are you opening my mail?"

Beth whipped her head round so quickly Ruth could almost _see _the whiplash. The younger woman fumbled with the various letters in her hands and unsuccessfully hid them behind her back.

"No."

"Beth, I can _see _them behind your back."

"No you can't."

"Alright then, who are you posting your posterior to first class?"

"Shit it!" Beth glanced at her bottom where, sure enough, a first class stamp was stuck.

Ruth took that moment to quickly grab the letters off of Beth, using expert skill and speed that she didn't even know she possessed. Perhaps she was one eigth ninja? Who knew!

Ruth rifled through the mail while Beth turned in circles, trying to unstick the stamp. Catalogues for shoes, dresses, more shoes, _guns, _her history magazine, her cat magazine, bills, a letter to _Miss Ruby Bong-_

"Who is Ruby Bong, Beth?"

"... the neighbour?"

"Huh, okay. Wait a minute-"

Ruth yanked out a letter addressed to herself that had been ripped open by the eager hands of her flatmate. She unfolded it with care and briefly scanned the contents.

_Dear Miss Evershed,_

_Due to various conflicting letters about your current status of... living, we thought it prudent to send you an invitation to your sixth form reunion party on the off-chance you had not died in the Thames 4 years ago..._

Ruth gulped as she read the letter. Not good.

"How do they even know my new address?" She asked aloud, confused.

"... Oh, yeah! My bad," Beth piped up, scuffing her shoe against the wooden floor.

"'your bad'? What did you do!"

"Well, I wanted to suscribe to this e-newsletter thing, but obviously I couldn't put my real name down or all my enemies would know where to find me! So I may have put you down as the addressee. Now don't be mad-"

"-mad! Beth, what on earth possessed you to put my name down?"

"Well I figured no-one would have a chance to get to you, you being a recluse and all, it's why you never leave the house."

"I'm a _spy, _that's why I leave the house sparingly and with caution! I'm not a recluse!"

"When was the last time you left this house?"

"I..." Ruth paused, trying desperately to think of an answer, "... yesterday!"

Her triumphant grin was wiped clean off of her face when Beth merely raised her eyebrows and replied;

"Not for work. For an actual social leisurely outing."

"Well, I- just, you- bollocks!"

...

"You're still mad at me, aren't you?"

It had been three hours and Beth was actually quite surprised that Ruth had managed to sit in stony silence with her back turned to her for so long. Maybe this is why the whole Harry and Ruth relationship was taking so long...

"I'm not mad."

"That would sound so much more convincing if you didn't mumble it to the cat."

Ruth remained silent and stroked Fidget.

"Look Ruth," Beth said, exapserated, "I opened it because I thought it was a terrorist threat."

That seemed to do the trick. Ruth turned around slowly, her eyes blazing. Okay, so maybe it didn't do the trick.

"You opened my mail because you thought it could be a terrorist threat?"

"Yes."

"What kind of terrorist sends me an invitation to a school reunion exactly?"

"Well, what kind of person sends you mail... ever?"

Ruth took a moment to ponder it.

"There was no anthrax in there then?"

"Luckily not. Now look, are you going to go to it?"

"I-I don't think so."

"Why not? You can go there and be all like 'hey guys, I'm a spy. I'm James Bond in a skirt that deals with analysing intelligence'."

"James Bond was MI6," Ruth sighed. How did this girl get into Thames House?

"Potato, Pot_a_to."

Ruth bit back a reply and decided to change the subject back to the matter at hand.

"I've never been invited to a reunion before. I mean, what if it's a trick?" She started to panic a little, "what if it is all those popular girls at school and they've set me up to humiliate me? What if I get there and it's a formal event and I win something and go up on stage and they pour a bucket of pigs blood over my head!"

"Well then you can just use your magical mind powers to kill everyone and destroy the place, Carrie," Beth replied succinctly, trying to lighten the situation. It wasn't working, Ruth was starting to hyperventilate.

"It's a big set-up! I know it"

"Ruth," Beth tried to calm the woman down, "if you're that sure of some sort of popular girl plot, then invite me!"

"What?" Ruth looked startled at the thought. She never willingly took Beth _anywhere. _No insurance company would go near her.

"Yeah, look at the invite. You're allowed a 'plus one'. Make me your 'plus one'. I can be your bodyguard! If the bullies start picking on you, I can cripple them. That's how I dealt with all my bullies when I was at school."

Ruth dropped her head into her hands and sat there silently bemoaning her existence. She had wanted to take Harry. Of course, it would have been a very awkward conversation and no doubt would have taken several attempts before she even got the question out... plus another seven attempts for him to understand her, but still. A lovely evening with Harry on her arm. They could have had drinks, discussed everyday things. She could have introduced him to her old class mates as _Sir _Harry Pearce. Then they could have finished the evening off with a bit of awkward, stilted conversation followed by a moment of hesitation at her door before he leaned in for a kiss and she, misinterpreting, shut the door in his face and broke his nose. It would have been magical.

She looked up at the eager, smiling face of a trigger-happy Beth.

"Fine," Ruth sighed. She feared for the lives of everyone showing up, including her own.

"Yes!" Beth punched the air excitedly, "now all we have to do is let Harry know."

_Oh dear god, did the bad times never cease?_

**AN**

**Well there is the first chapter! Should I carry it on? Would love to know if I've done anything right or wrong! :)**


	2. Of all things to share, why cheesecake?

**A/N**

**Sorry it's been SO long since an update, essays, essays and more essays is all I can say! Damn university getting in my way! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this installment. Not my funniest but I hope to make it a bit funnier in the next chapter when I get round to it (which will hopefully be in a week or so when my essays are done)!**

**Thankyou for all the reviews for the first chapter! They are VERY much appreciated! I know you are all wanting Ruth to take Harry to the reunion, so I will just say now... there is no WAY that I wouldn't have Harry there at the reunion somehow ;) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own characters nor settings. They are the property of Kudos, BBC etc. no copyright infringement intended.**

**Hope you enjoy this quick installment!**

It was the next day on the Grid and Ruth stood outside Harry's office, nervously shifting from foot to foot while clutching a box in her hand. She was going through the plan of action in her head;

_, in, 3. eloquently tell him that you are requesting a day off to get sorted for the reunion, 4. hand him the New York cheesecake, 5. wait for his answer and out. Easy enough._

Why did it never go the way she planned in her head though?

It was now or never. With determination, Ruth slid open the door to Harry's office.

_number 1 already messed up._

She stumbled as she walked in.

_number 2 down the drain..._

"Harry, I-"

"Ruth, what is it?"

"I-Well, I just-"

"-is that cheesecake?"

"yes, I, well, I just thought... you might want some..."

_number 3 and 4 muddled round, oh well._

Ruth placed the box containing the cheesecake on his desk and waited. Harry glanced at the box, before smiling warmly at Ruth.

"Thankyou. Now what is it?"

"... It's New York."

"What is wrong? What's going on in New York?"

Harry looked alarmed and picked up his phone, ready to dial and tell the Home Secretary of an emergency.

"No, the cheesecake, it's New York."

Harry put down the phone, now confused.

"That's err, that's good."

"You asked what it was. It's New York," Ruth pointed out uneasily. Did he not like New York cheesecake? Who _didn't _like it? Suddenly, the realisation hit her;

"Oh Harry, god I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry. I forgot how much you hate America," she garbled, picking the box back up.

"Ruth," Harry stopped her, wearily, "you're not making any sense."

_Number 3 just went flying out of the window then!_

Ruth let out a big sigh and fell back into one of the chairs opposite him. She'd managed to completely muddle them both up.

"I had a reason for coming in here you know," she told him unnecessarily.

"And I'm sure it's a very good one, once you get round to vocalising it," Harry replied with kindness. He waited patiently for Ruth to speak, busying himself with stapling some sheets of paper together.

"I need the day off."

The sentence completely knocked Harry sideways.

"Wait, what-Son of a bitch!" He shouted, wincing as he stapled his hand to the paper in shock.

Ruth fiddled nervously with the cheesecake box that sat in her lap.

"I knew you wouldn't be okay with it, I knew it. It was a long shot, why should I be allowed a day off? I know, first one for god knows how many years and I pick the wrong time. I bet everyone is taking that day off, aren't they-?"

"-Ruth-"

"-I mean, I know Tariq wanted to go to some convention, and Dimitri wanted the day off to play The Sims. I know that. Their time off will be more valuable and important. Who knew they wanted the same day as me-"

"-_Ruth_-"

"-What was her name? The one who plays Captain Janeway in Star Trek, that's who Tariq is going to see. Some people get all the luck, eh? Although my favourite character was always the holographic doctor-"

"-Ruth!"

Ruth stopped mid-sentence, grateful to Harry for stopping her. It was so damn difficult to draw breath when no-one tells you to stop rambling.

"Yes, Harry?"

"I... you're a trekkie?"

Ruth blushed violently.

"No, I just... take a lot of interest in women's rights and Voyager has a female captain. I read it in the monthly... women's liberation magazine I buy."

"I see," Harry looked at her with raised eyebrows, "and this magazine is called?"

"Errr... The Time of the Month?"

Harry looked uncomfortable.

"Of course, of course," he stated, clearing his throat and trying to divert the conversation, "anyway, you want tomorrow off I assume?"

"Yes."

"So do I!" Beth pulled open the door to the office, interrupting their private, stilted conversation with her mere presence.

"You _both _need the day off?" Harry looked wary. Ruth taking a day off was unusual in itself, but both her _and _Beth having a day off... something was definitely wrong.

"Yep, we have a school reunion to go to. Didn't Ruth tell you?"

Ruth cringed, while Harry attempted to do maths in his head.

"Ruth," Harry turned to her increduously, "just how old actually _are _you?" Both Ruth and Beth attended school at the same time? He knew Ruth wore slightly frumpy clothes but no clothes could make a 20 year old look and act double her age, surely?

"Oh no!" Ruth flustered, realising what he was trying to wrap his head round. Beth, it seemed, realised at the same time how she made it sound.

"No, no, no," Beth placated her boss, "we weren't class mates! I'm her plus one."

"... her plus one?"

"Yep, she asked me last night."

Ruth caught the disappointment in Harry's eyes and groaned inwardly. How could she tell Harry she'd rather have invited him given free choice without hurting Beth's feelings?

Harry, meanwhile, stewed in his jealousy. Ruth invited Beth as her plus one over him? _Beth!_ He would have been a much better choice, surely? He was a sensible drinker, pulled off formal wear very well and wouldn't end the night in a police cell. The same could _not _be said of Beth.

It was at that moment, Tariq popped his head round the door.

"Ruth, you have a phone call."

Ruth sighed and exited the office, leaving Harry and Beth. Beth leaned against the door non-chalantly, waiting for Harry to burst with jealousy. His face was getting redder; _any minute now..._

"So, Ruth chose you? She freely made that choice without coercion?"

"God, Harry," Beth replied, exasperated, "you make it sound like I put a gun to her head."

"Did you? Did you put a gun to her head? I'm finding it hard to believe she would take _you _of all people to a social event."

"Wow thanks," Beth looked hurt, "I'll have you know that I'm going as her bodyguard!"

"Her bodyguard?"

"Yes."

Harry's shoulders seemed to slump with relief. So she was going as back-up. Ruth didn't pick Beth over Harry as a guest for any other reason than that.

"I'm going there to protect her," Beth assured him gently. Harry smiled in reply, before she continued, "and embarrass her, of course."

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"What?"

"Yep," Beth took on a thoughtful pose, "I'm trying to decide whether to be her illegitimate love-child with a member of the Royal family, or her social worker."

Harry dropped his head onto his stapler.

"Well, anyway," Beth took that as her moment to retreat, "I need to go get my costume ready for the party!"

Beth left and Harry raised his head from the desk. As he went to straighten up, he was tugged back down. He looked down and sighed miserably.

He had stapled his tie to the desk. Perfect.

**A/N**

**reviews encouraged and appreciated, thankyou very much for reading!**

**next chapter I somehow manage to get them all to the reunion I hope ;)**


	3. Burt Reynolds? Seriously?

**A/N**

***inserts generic excuses for not updating in ages* lack of internet and computer, lots of revision for exams, one too mant 3,000 word essays... the usual.**

**Thank you all for your patience! I am currently in the middle of writing the next chapter for the Island fic, but not sure when it will be up!**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter and truly I am sorry for taking so long to update! **

**Disclaimer: No credits on Spooks, so even if I DID own it we just wouldn't know, would we? I might own it... no idea. Probably not though. Let's assume I don't and put in a standard disclaimer! Characters are not mine, I just twist them for my own amusement... and maybe even yours, who knows! **

...

"Remind me again why I'm doing this," Ruth asked miserably, checking herself out in the mirror. She had wanted to go a bit more casual (or not at all to be fair) but Beth had jumped at the chance to drag Ruth shopping to buy new shoes. Beth had insisted that the shoe shopping was for this occasion, but Ruth had a sneaking suspicion in the back of her mind that her flatmate just really hated her shoes.

"You're going so you can show off how successful you've become," Beth replied absently, applying her fourth set of fake eyelashes.

"But i'm not allowed to tell them what I do."

"Huh, true. Okay, well you're going because I want a good night out."

"Beth!"

"Come _on, _Ruth! We can make a great time of it! Beth and Ruth, out on the town! Just two friends kickin' it back, enjoying the high life at a reunion!"

Ruth turned to the mirror again with a sigh.

"Why do I get the feeling we'll end the evening as Thelma and Louise?"

...

"Holy shit! Who did you go to sixth form with, Ruth, royalty!"

The first sentence Beth had uttered as soon as they entered the door and already Ruth wanted a big hole in the ground to appear and swallow her up. Were people staring? She was pretty sure they were, but couldn't decide whether it was from Beth's outburst or the fact that Beth had chosen a dress too short to hide the miriad of knives and guns she was carrying. The girl was a walking arsenal.

"So who is that?" Beth asked, pointing out a random passerby.

"That is the guy who re-fills the drinks."

"Oh. How about that?"

"_That _is a guy who provides the musical entertainment."

"Oh I see, you sure went to school with a variety of people!"

"I don't _know _them, Beth."

"Oh right. Who is that guy?"

"That is the same guy from before who re-fills the drinks," Ruth replied, exasperated, "look, why don't you go get us some drinks and I'll wait here and try not to glare at your retreating back?"

"Deal."

Beth traipsed off happily, more than likely on the hunt for alcohol. Ruth tried not to glare, she really did, but failed as her eyes narrowed seemingly on their own accord.

She was in for a long night.

...

"Harry, why are we here?" Dimitri asked from his seat in the back of the van.

"Routine surveillance," Harry replied automatically, watching the screen before him with great interest.

"Okay, my mistake. I thought we were here because you've now reached the crisis point of _stalking _Ruth until she gives in."

"This reunion is... a hotbed of terrorist activity."

Dimitri watched his own screen, smirking as he saw two women in short dresses talking animatedly;

"Oh it's a hotbed for _something _alright."

"I don't think we should be doing this," Lucas spoke up sullenly from the front of the van. Why did he always have to play driver?

"Noted," Harry was still watching his analyst on the screen, who now accepted a drink from Beth.

"This is a private function, Harry," Tariq piped up, "it doesn't feel right spying on them through cameras and microphones."

"You're right."

"...er," the young techie looked confused, "... I am?"

"Yes, we need to go _in _there under cover to fully realise the depth of this terrorist scheme."

"Harry," Dimitri said calmly, "there are no terrorists in there. Ruth is not in _any _danger. We don't need to go in there."

"She is in there with Beth," Harry replied bluntly, "she is in there with Beth who has now found the alcohol."

"Go in on the count of three?"

...

"This orange juice is pretty strong, Beth."

"Yes, it is isn't it?"

"Tastes like orange coloured vodka actually."

"I just poured the drinks, Ruth. If you have a problem, take it up with your classmate who refills them."

Ruth decided (stupdly) to trust Beth on that one so didn't press any further. Instead, she changed the subject.

"Where did you park the car?"

"Next to the really indiscrete Secret Services van with the big surveillance dish on top."

"Huh," Ruth thought for a moment. There was _something _she was meant to be suspicious of, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it, "Okay. As long as you remember for later."

A familiar, soft voice caught Ruth's attention and she looked over her shoulder. She wished she hadn't as she recognised the man mingling with her old classmates.

_Oh dear god no..._

"Beth, I need to talk to someone quickly. Can you amuse yourself for a minute?"

"Of course!" Beth looked overjoyed at the prospect of being out from underneath Ruth's thumb.

Ruth stormed off, a determined look on her face.

Beth turned around and almost bumped into a woman who was approaching her.

"Sorry to interrupt," the woman apologised politely, "but was that Ruth Evershed?"

"Yes, yes it was," Beth smiled warmly at the newcomer. Fresh meat.

"I used to have french with her," the woman replied eagerly, "I had hoped she would show up! I assume you are her plus one. How do you know Ruth?"

Beth's smile was almost _evil._

"Well, funny story actually..."

...

"_You!_" Ruth seethed as she walked up to Harry. He turned around in surprise, but quickly adopted a fake smile as she beckoned her closer.

"There she is now, the love of my life."

"Wha-"

Ruth couldn't finish her sentence before she was pulled into a one-armed embrace by Harry. She wanted to pull away, but didn't have the willpower. _Fine, I just won't enjoy it!_ She failed again.

"Honey, I was just telling these lovely people how we met."

"Ruth!" the random woman who Ruth racked her brains to try and remember eagerly pulled her into a hug.

"Jill...Luce...Han...GEORGINA!" Ruth yelled triumphantly as she remembered the woman.

"Your husband here was just regaling us with tales of you both," the random man with Georgina said, "I tell you, you have quite a catch there, Ruth, what with you being a secretary."

"... A secretary?" Ruth turned her head towards Harry, mouth gaping open, "a _secretary?_"

Harry grinned and shrugged, while Ruth fumed. She wanted to tell people that she did something really cool for a living, like ran her own Alpaca Parcel Force.

"Yes, how are the two children?" Georgina pushed on curiously, "I hear from your other half here that your little Bobby is teething. I hope you are coping well?"

Ruth turned to Harry again, trying to think fast in order to save the situation... and make him pay.

"Well, they _are _a handful. We finally found them the other day in Romford," Ruth adopted a sad smile.

Georgina, the random man and Harry all looked at her, confused.

"What on earth do you mean?" Georgina asked.

"It was a few weeks ago, I went up to their bedroom actually and they were both missing. I called my hubby immediately as he was on nightshift. He's a _gravedigger _you see," at Harry's aghast expression, she pushed on happily, "he told me not to worry and that they would show up in the morning. You know him, work work work. They came back a week ago, the little tykes. They grow up so fast."

Silence greeted her story and Ruth took the opportunity to smile and accept another drink from a passing tray.

"... your husband told us your oldest child was 5."

"Oh, they are," Ruth replied knowledgably, "Never are they at a more mischevious age."

"... Right," Georgina scrutinised Harry closely, not quite believing the story, "you never _did _tell me your name you know."

"His name is..." _think fast Ruth, _"... errr... Burt!"

"Burt?"

"Yes, Burt... Reynolds!"

Georgina looked between the shocked and affronted expression of 'Burt' and the triumphant expression of Ruth.

"Burt Reynolds," she repeated, "you know that name seems awfully familiar."

"I'll bet it does," Harry replied dryly, taking a swig of his drink.

"Have we met before?"

Harry grabbed Ruth by the elbow and pulled her away.

...

_"Burt Reynolds?" _Harry whispered furiously to Ruth as he pulled her into a corner of the room.

"I'm sorry, Harry! I panicked!"

"When you panic, your first thought is _Burt Reynolds?_" He was a bit jealous; her first thought should be of him!

"You're one to talk, you know, Mr. Giles Farmer!"

Harry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Served him right really, making up such an elaborate story for them both.

"Harry...?"

"Yes, Ruth?"

"Can we shout at eachother later? It's just that I left Beth alone with alcohol and ex-classmates."

Harry looked across the room to see the young blonde laughing absurdly with a large group of people, waving her arms about dramatically. Ruth followed his line of sight and sighed;

"Too late."

**A/N**

**Thanks for reading and reviews are of course MORE than appreciated... I like to know if i'm hitting the right notes for a bit of light hearted humour!**

**Next chapter sometime ... in the near future, sorry I can't be more specific! **


	4. Ruth could be a cowgirl?

**A/N**

**In response to Abigal, the 'near-future' represents a time that is not now... but is before 2015... and thank you very much for the proverbial kick up the jacksie I needed to post another chapter. It's been way too long and I can only apologise profusely!**

**Even if there are only a few still reading, I thank you for your endless patience and I hope this chapter can somewhat live up to any expectation you have had concerning me and my writing abilities!**

**Disclaimer: If these characters were mine, trust me, that last episode would not have happened.**

"Check out all the hot women here!" Dimitri commented with a sly grin, pointing out all the tall, leggy blondes in what they called skirts but were actually more like over-sized belts.

"Yes, they are something," Harry replied absently, his eyes still on Ruth as she desperately drank alcohol in an attempt to block out Beth.

"It's like a room full of... Lucy Lawless! I mean, seriously, have you seen any women more beautiful!"

"Indeed," Harry tore his eyes away from Ruth, "it's a room full of Audrey Hepburn."

"... Audrey Hepburn?" Dimitri asked, try to rack his brain to remember "... was she that chick in 'Hot Girls Run Wild 3'?"

"Audrey Hepburn was the love of my life you know," Lucas cut in, walking over and looking glum.

"Oh here we go," Harry muttered and pinched his nose, "_when _exactly was she the love of your life Lucas?"

"... errr... after Maya I think, but before that american woman."

...

"Her probation worker?" the random classmate asked incredulously, looking over at the usually docile Ruth as she knocked back another glass of punch.

"Yep," Beth replied proudly, "she's been very good so far, an absolute star."

"You know, I always thought she would end up as either a genius working for MI5 ... or in prison for possession."

"working for MI5?" Beth laughed loud and obnoxiously, "no way! That's crazy! Oh a word of warning, if you see her head towards the bathroom with a packet of white stuff, just give me a holler."

...

Ruth filled up her cup again. The punch had fruit in it, surely that meant it was healthy, right?

"Ruth, you sly ol' thing!"

She turned around and was met with Sacha Tool, the guy who pursued her throughout sixth form. He had tried to kiss her once but she was so repulsed that she had thrown the first thing she had at hand at him. It was a shame, because all her class mates were not able to microwave their pot noodles for months.

"Hello Sacha."

He swaggered over with a triumphant grin.

"Was jus' talkin' to your blonde _friend _over there and I just wanted to say that I now understand."

"Well that's very good, at least one of us does," Ruth responded chirpily. She just wanted this reunion to be over now, "what on _earth _are you talking about?"

"I'm talkin' bout those years I tried to get you out on a date. I always used to think that it was because there was something wrong with _me._"

Ruth so desperately wanted to list the many faults, from his lack of showering to that weird growth on his cheek that wasn't quite a mole and probably had its own pulse. Instead she remained quiet and waited.

"However, your friend Penelope over there-"

Ruth rolled her eyes. _Real original, Beth._

"-admitted the real reason you didn't wanna date me. I wish you all the happiness in the world with her."

_"WHAT!"_

_..._

"-And after her, I fell in love with Helen," Lucas pulled out a photograph of yet another random woman from his wallet, "she was stunning, the love of my life and I thought we were going to be together forever."

"What happened to _her_?" A very attractive and very bored woman asked, stifling a yawn.

"Her psychiatrist knew me and advised her against it. Shame, it was one of the best weeks of my life when I was with her..."

He placed his photograph back in his wallet and looked at the woman just as she was making a hasty retreat.

"Wait!" he called desperately, running after her, "I have another photo album to show you!"

...

"This is a disaster. An actual disaster," Tariq sighed, watching Lucas chase the next love of his life.

"Yeah well, as long as he's chasing all the women into my arms," Dimitri smiled.

"He''ll be chasing all the women off of a cliff."

"Well, anyway. I best go console those poor ladies before they turn to alcohol."

Dimitri swaggered off, all style and no substance as usual. Tariq sighed once more and stood in the corner all alone.

"Hey, you a virgin?"

Tariq's head whipped round so fast he could possibly claim compensation for it. A man with braces, thick glasses and a t-shirt that said "WTF: what the frak?" stood before him, smiling inanely.

"Me? no, why would you think that? why? What's it to you? why? No, course not," Tariq hoped beyond hope that some of what he said made sense.

"Ohhh so you're not?" the man was intrigued, "so, what are you then?"

"Errr-"

"A BT broadband?"

"_Oh._"

...

"BETH BAILEY!"

The scream was so loud that even Beth heard it and she had drank her bodyweight in vodka.

"Oooops," she giggled and turned to who she was chatting up previously, "gots'ta go, Ruthie wantsh to talk... Beth Bailey isss... isss her pet name for me, y'shee..."

She turned away from the disco ball that she thought was Robert Pattinson and faced her fuming flatmate.

"Wasssup?"

"We're lovers!"

"Oh no, a domestic!" Beth hiccuped and watched as an irate Harry also sidled up next to her.

"Beth!" He shouted, annoyed, "I had a perfect legend worked up for Ruth and myself and I had to find out from a complete stranger that my 'wife' was cheating on me with _you_!"

"Oh come on!" Beth replied, exasperated, "thisss can be so much fun! I-I haven't been that crazy with my lies-"

"-according to you," Harry fumed, "Ruth is a pole-dancing, stripping cowgirl who works part-time at a paper firm where they also happen to keep prisoners, but she's only worked there for three weeks after just coming out of rehab for drug addiction and alcohol dependency!"

Ruth looked flustered and turned to Beth. Harry inwardly was gleeful, waiting for the massive explosion that would culminate in a heated, passionate kiss with himself and-

"... you think I could be a cowgirl?"

Or not.

**A/N**

**That awkward moment again, where I hide behind my internet sofa and hope I don't get egged. Next chapter?... Sometime before 2015 I hope! If you get desperate, send me a review or PM to kick me up the bottom!**

**much love to all who read and review! **


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